A Chat with Linda Carbone & Ed Decker, Authors of "A Little Pregnant"

The following is a chatroom transcript from Valentine's Day, 2000, with Linda Carbone & Ed Decker, authors of A Little Pregnant:

Tonight we're delighted to have as our special guests the authors of A Little Pregnant: Our Memoir of Fertility, Infertility, and a Marriage, Linda Carbone & Ed Decker. If you haven't yet read the book, I highly recommend it as a source of inspiration, especially for those of you who are married or have significant others. You can read my review here.

Linda & Ed, welcome!

Your book is certainly one of the most moving that I've read on the subject of infertility, but that's not all that your memoir is about. How would you describe what folks will be reading about in "A Little Pregnant?"

Authors:
Well, it's as much a story about how infertility affected our marriage as it is about infertility itself. We delve pretty deep in the emotional issues that stalked us over our nine years of trying to have a baby.

infertilityADM:
At the beginning of your infertility journey, Linda was the more ambivalent partner, but that seemed to change -- what would you say led up to that change of heart?

infertilityADM:
Is ambivalent the right word here?

authors:
I think I got caught up in the whole cycle of treatment, failure, try again. It became like a race for me against my own body. Yes, ambivalent is certainly true. I'm someone who just wasn't sure she wanted kids, married to someone who would die if he didn't become a father.

infertilityADM:
By the way, audience -- both authors are sharing one username tonight, so that's both Ed & Linda... ;-)

infertilityADM:
In Chapter 7, Linda talks about infertility as the "third partner" in your marriage. Could you describe what that was like?

authors:
ED: From now on we'll write our names up front so everyone will know who's talking.

infertilityADM:
thanks!

infertilityADM:
I think that a lot of us can relate to "competing" with our own bodies when it comes to infertility

authors:
LINDA: It seemed to take on a life of its own for me. It was something that had to be consulted, something that took money out of our bank accounts, It pulled toward and against us and came between us.

infertilityADM:
That's something that I think a lot of folks don't consider the impact of -- infertility as an actual entity in their lives. It's very easy to get caught up in the race, so to speak, and lose track of the objective, don't you think?

authors:
ED: It's true how the infertility seemed almost like a tangible entity in our relationship. I used to get this sense that our unborn baby was out there, like a ghost in our house. Like someone in intensive care who was fighting to stay alive.

authors:
LINDA: That was certainly true for me. After so many years and so many procedures, having an actual baby at the end of it sometimes seemed almost incidental.

Boo:
My husband has been a diabeitc for 22 years. We're TTC and wondering what hurdles/problems we might encounter and what are his chances of being infertile?

infertilityADM:
Boo, I imagine Linda & Ed can give you some idea of the effects on their marriage, some things that you might be prepared for through the "journey"

Boo:
That would be great.

authors:
ED: One thing I would strongly recommend is that both husband and wife keep the communications lines open at all times. I know that during our infertility I had a tendency to remain silent, because it was too painful to discuss. This can result in differences remaining unresolved and more stress in the marriage.

infertilityADM:
Boo, as far as his chances, that all depends on the effects of the diabetes and other things - How long have you been TTC?

Boo:
3 months.

infertilityADM:
Do you know if he has ever had any health effects from his diabetes?

infertilityADM:
Do you think that's a "guy" thing more often than not, Ed?

Boo:
What do you mean health effects? Kidney, heart? No he's only 25.

authors:
ED: Yes, it probably is. I think as a rule guys would rather not discuss problems like this unless they think the discussion will yield a solution. Just commiserating is sometimes looked as a kind of weakness for guys. Women are much better at simply airing out their feelings.

infertilityADM:
Boo, besides major organ damage, there's the potential for some more subtle effects over time

Boo:
None as of yet.

infertilityADM:
Oh yes, we love to commiserate in general! ;-)

infertilityADM:
Boo, are you able to talk with your husband fairly candidly about TTC and how you're feeling about it all?

authors:
ED: Sometimes we guys are just too damn practical. Or think we are.

infertilityADM:
Yes, Mr. Fixit's!

Boo:
Yes, he's scared it's him that's the problem and feels bad when the period comes.

authors:
ED: A lot of times guys aren't even willing to have their fertility checked out by doctors. They're afraid their "virility" will come under question.

infertilityADM:
Right -- for both men & women, it's not just a concern about their physical health, but about their sexuality in general, BUT especially so for men

authors:
LINDA: Boo, it might not be a bad idea for him to get a semen analysis, to put his mind at rest. If he checks out okay, it may make him relax. I'm convinced that over time, plain old stress can have a damaging effect on one's fertility.

infertilityADM:
There is some truth to that, for sure, via studies

Boo:
We can't get one until we have been trying for a year. That's whats frustrating because he could have a problem and you're right. It would put his mind to rest.

infertilityADM:
Boo, mind if I ask how old you are?

Boo:
26

authors:
ED: Boo, usually you don't have to wait to get a semen analysis. You might want to consider going to another doctor.

infertilityADM:
okay, I was going to suggest that if you're over 30, you shorten the wait to 6 months

Boo:
Really. We live in Canada. That's what we've been told.

infertilityADM:
absolutely, Boo -- if you're willing to pay for it, even, you can have it run at any lab - it's a relatively inexpensive test

Boo:
Thanks for the info.

infertilityADM:
You could find out that he's fine, and things might swim along very well after that

authors:
ED: Some doctors will only investigate one infertility factor at a time -- the most likely cause. Meanwhile, the other partner may have a problem too that remains unnoticed as years go by.

infertilityADM:
There seem to be as many diagnostic protocols as there are docs. How many doctors did you guys end up seeing, Linda & Ed?

authors:
ED: Yes, and different doctors have their "favorite" diagnoses and treatments. We ended up seeing one gynecologist, one urologist, two REs, and an acupuncturist.

infertilityADM:
Boo, be sure to arm yourself with information on conception basics, too, before you approach a doc for assistance -- that way they'll consider your requests a little more "valid"

infertilityADM:
oh that's right -- I'd forgotten the acupuncture.....

authors:
LINDA: But the problem was that we had so many things wrong (both of us), that we couldn't seem to get everything taken care of at the same time so that all our reproductive machinery was working at once. Yes, Boo, you may as well get an ovulation thermometer or kit for starters.

infertilityADM:
"regular" OB/Gyn's are fairly notorious for telling folks your age that "you have time", Boo..... be prepared to hear that

infertilityADM:
and Boo - if you haven't read it, I recommend "A Little Pregnant" -- it's very compelling reading, whether someone has infertility or not, an excellent, moving, personal story

infertilityADM:
The description of Linda's feelings toward one particular doctor is very candid, and something that happens much more often than is discussed. Was it hard to disclose those emotions?

authors:
LINDA: I wonder how often it happens. Surely women patients get crushes on their doctors, but there's something so intimate about a fertility doctor's help. Yes, I knew that if we were going to tell our story, the strong feelings I developed for my doctor would have to be part of it. The hardest part was telling Ed before I gave him that chapter to read. I thought he must have suspected, but apparently it came as a surprise. After that, it was kind of fun writing it all down

infertilityADM:
Ah, the fun part! Ed, how did you respond to it?

authors:
ED: I was pretty shocked to read some of the more "vivid" descriptions re: sexual fantasies. But I wasn't really upset in any way. The way I was back then, I would have welcomed almost any strategy that kept Linda trying.

infertilityADM:
Wow, that's dedication to a cause!

infertilityADM:
Just a guess, but I'm betting most men would've had a much rougher time with that info

authors:
ED: Of course, if something had really been going on, well....hmmmm.

infertilityADM:
You write vividly about the difficulty of talking about your situation with your family members. What kinds of reactions did you get from them with the publication of your book?

authors:
ED: I was very shocked by my father's reaction. He basically doesn't read books and is somewhat prudish, yet he raved about the book and began spreading the news about to everyone he saw.

infertilityADM:
That must've been very encouraging.

authors:
LINDA: The extremely personal nature of what's discussed in its pages made some of my family uncomfortable. They tended to say things like, "Oh, I had no idea you went through all that." Most of them were choked up and moved.

infertilityADM:
Do you feel like the book helped bring you closer to each other and your other family members?

authors:
LINDA: I'd have to say no! I had no idea how stressful it would be to have a husband as a co-author.

authors:
LINDA: And since I'm an editor by profession, there was a lot of conflict and disagreement. But the book did force us to relive some painful expereiences and to talk very openly about the infertility--something we didn't do enough of while going through it.

infertilityADM:
How long in total was the writing of it?

authors:
LINDA: We took about a year to write it.

infertilityADM:
I would imagine it to be pretty therapeutic. A year actually sounds relatively quickly, given all that you went through and had to process with each other

infertilityADM:
The adoption phase of your journey was also an emotional rollercoaster. Did it permanently impact your views on adoption in general?

authors:
ED: What stunned me was how hard it was to revisit the especially painful events of our infertility (the miscarriages, our differences regarding adoption). I found myself experiencing the same visceral feelings of anxiety I went through before, even though I already knew there would be a happy ending.

infertilityADM:
Absolutely! Sounds like writing the book did its job for you, then...

authors:
ED: I think the process that one has go through in private adoption is pretty rough stuff. It seems like money and savvy are more important that how good a parent you'd be.

infertilityADM:
That's sad commentary. Do you feel it may have been different had you gone the agency route?

authors:
LINDA: I expect that the majority of adoptive couples reach their goal without the heartache, so I'm rooting for them. For us, it was a short, intense disaster.

infertilityADM:
Intense is right!

authors:
LINDA: Agency was out of the question for us because of our age. Most have long waiting lists.

infertilityADM:
The Epilogue literally reduced me to tears, I must say. It poignantly captured many of the emotions that I experienced with the birth of my son after infertility. Would you agree that parenting after infertility is different than parenting without the IF experience?

authors:
ED: I think that it made me both more appreciative and more protective than I otherwise would have been.

authors:
LINDA: For me, being a Mom seems totally unconnected to all those years of infertility. I'm just feeling my way along and grappling with the delicate, powerful presence of a child in our home.

infertilityADM:
Really? So there may be no difference for you and others then?

authors:
LINDA: I honestly don't think so in my case.

infertilityADM:
I like the conjunction of delicate and powerful -- so true

authors:
LINDA: Nothing on earth could have prepared me for raising Julia. I still can't believe how profoundly it has changed me, and my whole notion of time and personal space.

infertilityADM:
I agree! It's awe-inspiring to go through.

infertilityADM:
This is probably a question that you'll be asked for the rest of your lives, and there may not be an answer, but what do you think helped the two of you keep it together after all you went through?

authors:
LINDA: A sense of humor goes along way toward getting couples through any crisis. And, appropriate for this Valentine's Day, I'd have to say the corny truth: we really love each other and are devoted to each other's life.

infertilityADM:
Your humor certainly came through in your respective chapters, too.

authors:
ED: I have to reiterate what Linda said. The power of love is pretty amazing.

infertilityADM:
It's true.

infertilityADM:
And with that, is there anything else you'd like to communicate to others about your experience?

authors:
LINDA: Thanks. A lot of what happened to us WAS funny. You just have to keep the right perspective. Sometimes I felt I was watching myself from afar go through this amazing, stressful, endless crisis. And I wasn't even positive I wanted kids! It makes you see it differently.

authors:
ED: Once again this may be on the corny side, but an experience like ours can help you better appreciate the good things you still have in your life. It's not like infertility is the only thing going on.

infertilityADM:
There's much to be said about perspective in a crisis and holding together a marriage.

infertilityADM:
You guys considering being marriage counselors? ;-)

authors:
LINDA: Also, it went on for many years. Nothing feels like a true crisis when it's stretched out.

infertilityADM:
It's certainly a different kind of feeling!

authors:
LINDA: Counselors?? I don't think so!

infertilityADM:
Well, I, for one, think your book should be required reading in the training of counselors -- I really haven't read anything like it

authors:
ED: Thanks. We certainly covered a lot of emotional territory. And we have received a lot of feedback from couples who have read it who said they were grateful that someone was telling this kind of story of infertility.

infertilityADM:
Yes, it's the telling that's so unique

authors:
LINDA: Very gratifying. Thanks for saying so.

infertilityADM:
Good -- thanks so much for taking your time and energy to be here! Have a good rest of your Valentine's Day! ;-)

authors:
ED:You too. Thanks again!

infertilityADM:
My pleasure!