[Editor's note: Judging from my last post here on HTMAF, I'm thinking a change of scenery is in order for all of us. So, here's a post from Guest Blogger, Captain Fertile, who asked for anonymity to preclude any sticky situations in the event he runs for public office...]
Trying to get pregnant is one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had as a male. The most accurate way to describe it, if we want to use metaphors that really get to the core of the matter like a diamond-tipped drill through hot butter, is like doing brain surgery on someone trying to seduce you while she herself is trying to draw up architectural blueprints for the 8th wonder of the world.
As any freelance brain-surgeon-for-food off Skid Row will tell you (make sure they clean the rust off their knives, at least reasonably, before any surgery is attempted), it’s rather difficult to seduce someone you are performing brain surgery on. You may think of many reasons why this is so, including the inherent difficulty of seducing someone under general anesthesia, the concentration required during the surgical process that would preclude concentrating on your pick-up game, the smell of operating rooms etc., but there’s only one reason that’s relevant to this discussion:
Brain surgery just isn’t that sexy. And neither is trying to get pregnant.
Moving over to eastern metaphors, trying to get pregnant is like the Kama Sutra from Hell. You’re both sitting there, waiting for your respective temperatures (physically, I mean) to reach optimum. You, the male, sitting on an ice bag, she, the female, holding a mercury thermometer under her tongue for that magic number.
And then, when the moment (temperature) is just right, you come together like one of those Icy Hot pain relief pads, while you try to match the Kama Sutra from Hell to maximize flagellum motility at optimum womb angles.
You begin to curse all the fantasies you have ever had as a young adolescent of all your crushes combined…I am Captain Fertile.
The writer is the Marketing Manager for Zoara.com, a diamond jewelry store you should check out by clicking the stork banner on the right! He hopes you got the Captain Planet reference.