We've already squared away that I'm jaded. Or burned out. Take your pick, it matters not to me.
One infertility book is about as good as the next, a lot of times. I never published my own story in print because, well, it's a disclosure issue. Goes back to my even-more-interesting pre-infertility days, which I couldn't reasonably leave out. Not for public consumption, at least while the folks are living. Then there’s the little matter of confidence…
Apparently Andie East of Perseus/Seal Press didn't get the word that I'm rancid about these books. Sometimes, it's a good thing when word doesn't travel.
So when Andie called on me to see if I'd promo Melissa Ford's new book through my IntegraMed connection (yes, I'm that Tracy Morris, editor of Conceptions), I broke the bad news: unless there's a direct connection to the national network of fertility clinics, I can't do a thing for her, beyond parading Navigating the Land of IF here on my little blog.
Happiness ensued when we learned that, indeed, Melissa, Ruler of Stirrup Queens had her little babies with the help of Dr. Robert Stillman and the rest of the Shady Grove Fertility team. Not only that, but the author, herself, is the result of SGF treatment. Double shot! (I also write for Shady Grove Fertility…) I could pass the editorial muster in more than one spot for a fellow blogger.
After a leisurely and fun Friday morning phone call, it was on to seeing if Mel’s book gets something other than fast-forward-page-flipping from me.
Lucky for her, Mel is damned clever yet modest, and her book sounds a whole lot like she speaks. Sharp-witted, off-the-cuff, well-informed, and with a comfy sense that you’ve known each other for years. The book has plenty of technical advice for infertility patients, and it was medically vetted, but it doesn’t read like a medical volume by any stretch.
Most importantly to Cynical Ol’ Me, Mel has avoided the typical drag of a memoir by weaving her personal story in between the lines of a helpful how-to. It’s a sort of gestalt-ish How to Live As An Infertile Person, as told by your wiser-than-you-yet-always-loving-sister. She’s not so clever that her witty sarcasm is caustic. :::note to self::: Mel refreshingly funnys-up oft-heard situations.
For example, she’s all for doctors being “scaremongers” when educating patients about imminent procedures. The “fairly observant Jew” with Buddhist tendencies would rather believe that she’s about to experience the most intense pain ever rather than being reassured that “it won’t hurt a bit” because she can then leave the scene of the procedure “feeling like a rock star” rather than a wuss.
At some point in her struggle to have the twins, reading Ali Domar’s work reminded Mel of the benefits of allowing herself to react, yet stepping aside enough to simply observe the reaction. She laughed while describing her typical M.O.:
“I have a tendency to go into chicken-with-its-head-cut-off mode, run around screaming and not hear the rest of what Dr. Stillman is saying beyond ‘Your FSH is now 11’… and then from that panic, the cascade of negative thoughts. Meditation techniques helped me take a deep breath and say to myself, ‘You know what, you’re gonna get to run around screaming in a few minutes and have a good long cry, and you’re gonna cry while you write a blogpost about it, but for now, you need to listen to him and make some decisions.”
The difference between one book or another on the same topic lies in the author’s perspective. Mel Ford's blog, Stirrup Queens, competes big-time with the older biggies for popularity and awards, so we had to know a good book was in her. It's not always the case, though, that bloggers can translate their work into enjoyable book style. Mel has done it well, and I can’t help thinking that it’s related to her living-in-the-moment perspective, even while she says, “I don't think I did the infertility thing well at all! Part of the book is 'don’t make my mistakes’…”
She recalls the advice of her own sister: do what you need to do to get through it, as long as you're not creating more problems along the way.
“Reading other people’s stories, I’ve thought, ‘I wish I could borrow their attitude.’ You do yourself a favor when you tell yourself, ‘I’m only Melissa, and I can only be me within infertility. I can’t be someone I’m not.’ You could easily add a new level of self-hatred, on top of the whole infertility struggle.”
While you’re hearing Mel Ford say she’s “only Melissa,” you might balance that by witnessing the love she gets through her high-traffic Internet community. Only in the blogosphere for three years now, Stirrup Queens is quite possibly the most comprehensive infertility blog ever. Ever. It’s like she took every facet of the largest educational websites plus the busiest communities and blended them together.
Perhaps the section that’s most responsible for its growth is the blogroll, deemed “The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer”…
As of our phone call on June 12, Stirrup Queen’s blogroll listed 1,853 and counting, each personally screened and approved by Mel, who also cleans house regularly. I use her list as a reference regularly and send the URL to all of those new clinic communications staffers who ask me “So what’s the best place to find out what infertility patients are talking about?”
Given how well-spoken Melissa Ford is on a diverse range of topics (we were on the phone awhile,) I’m thinking that this book must’ve just tumbled out of her, aided by input from the author’s blog community.
What one message does Mel hope readers get? She pointed me to the Epilogue, where she advises patients to be themselves, “even within infertility.” Just as she tells readers “this tour of the Land of If has come to an end,” Mel Ford writes point-blank “it’s time to start living here.” No pulling away and wishing you were somewhere or someone else.
Mel’s a real infertility guru (though I bet she squirms to read those words.) If I keep plugging away at that confidence issue of mine, I might hear her message, too, and birth a book of my own one day. In the meantime, I encouraged her to write another in her same distinct voice, maybe beyond this Land of IF. Navigating The Land of IF is a good first book, and there’s no reason Mel Ford needs to stop there.
